Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Depression lies to you! (Experience of Life)

Source : Google.com

Date : 23/12/13
Place : While travelling From Jodhpur to Jaipur

I'm back in a place I thought I was done with -- battling depression. I have a lot more hope this time though. I know it ends, and I'm not a teenager with hormones. I'm also not in an abusive relationship. So, you know, way better equipped to handle it this time around.

It's been a while since I've been here, though, so I'm having to relearn some things. Get my bearings, as it were. This is what I have to keep telling myself:

Depression lies.

Depression is like the evil adviser to my brain. It's the Grima Wormtongue to my Théoden, is what I'm saying.

It sits there and feeds you lies and shit and manipulates you. And you trust it, because it's coming from a place you're used to trusting. It's careful to feed you lies that seem somewhat plausible. If you were to say them out loud, everyone would recognize that you've got a liar in there, but when it's just inside your head, depression can repeat it and magnify it and make it seem true and real.

Case in point? This morning depression whispered "No one actually likes you. You're a failure, a creep, a socially awkward idiot who tries too hard to make people like you. They pretend, and they pretend well, but it's not true. They actually think you're rather sad, and talk about you all the time when you're not there."

And I went "Yeah, that seems reasonable" and decided not to get out of bed.

But depression slips up sometimes. Sometimes it tries to convince you of something that you know cannot be true.

This morning depression whispered that no one liked me and that I was a failure. But THEN it whispered "Your Best Friend hates you too. Also you are shit at Economics."

And I went wait a second.  

My Best friend doesn't hate me. I know she's rather fond of me. And I'm quite good at economics, thank you very much. It's my one bankable talent. My High School teacher taught me the subject pretty well.

Depression had lied and won, but then it lied some more and I recognized it for what it was. I got out of bed. I brushed my teeth. I even ate food.

This doesn't mean I don't believe it sometimes. I mean, I'm having to work pretty hard today to remind myself that the first part depression told me isn't true. I'm writing this instead of being productive because depression has me half- convinced that there is no point to actually trying at things.

But if I remember that depression lies, I have a better chance of fighting it. I can anticipate it's bullshit faster, make battle plans that are more efficient.

And eventually, like Théoden, I'll exile my evil adviser. I probably won't offer it food and shelter during a hobbit uprising, though. I'm not Frodo.

Be kind to yourself and don't let the liar win.

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