Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts

Friday, June 2, 2017

Mirror.






In that mirror, she saw her blemishes and imperfections. She saw the woman who use to get berated by him and was called ugly and made to feel unloved. The one who use to cry herself to sleep, but now doesn't even bother closing her eyes, because she can't risk seeing those moments play out again. In this mirror, she sees her strength and amazing attributes. She sees a woman who gets told constantly how wonderful and beautiful she truly is and shown through actions, what it feels like to be cared for. A woman who now smiles before she sleeps and dreams of being held again and kissed gently on the forehead. The one who can't wait to play out these moments again. While there is only one of us, there are many reflections we can see. Depending on the mirror, some might be fairly accurate and some might be extremely distorted. But no mirror will ever capture the full picture of who you are. Don't be beholden to an image from a broken mirror, look for a new one who sees you for what you are and won't try to taint your image, but simply celebrate it instead.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES and leave your past at the door.


Our past - It defines us, it guides us, it will even destroy us if we’re not careful. 
I’ve spent years beating my past, chipping away at the edges and building a new life with the bricks I create.

But sometimes it still leads me around like a monkey in a bad circus. Takes a hold of the leash and drags me through an old hell only to flatten all the new foundations I’ve built.

Our past can be venomous, a lethal mix of warped imagination based off the hurt others have caused you. It stains the hopes and dreams you’ve somehow found in a world of billions and tears you away from what’s important.

You can waste countless hours worrying about things that aren’t even there. You’ll create problems out of thin air because you’re expecting them to repeat themselves. You'll say things to loved ones who never deserved to hear them from your lips and all because you’re living with the memories of past hurts.

There’s no shame in not having fully controlled it yet, the shame comes from the devastation you’ll bring into your new life, with beautiful people who played no part in the old one. The shame comes from you knowing you didn’t need to ruin that moment, but you went ahead and did it anyway.

"A man /woman who does not take their shoes off when entering your heart, is ready to leave at any moment. That person did not come to stay. They came to visit."

By letting my past dictate parts of my conscience, I’ve almost become that visitor. I’d left my shoes on. I was subconsciously preparing to move on because I was expecting the past to repeat itself.

Why? Because that’s what I know. My past has a sick loop attached to it. A fucked up Groundhog Day with a violent shield I put up the second I feel threatened. Shield up, sword drawn ready to fight. I won't be beaten. But to never lose in defensive means you actually never win either. Sure, you scare away the demons, but only to be left standing there alone on the battlefield as the enemy retreats back to the castle for festivities. An empty battlefield is a very lonely place.

Don’t waste time on your past unless you’ve harnessed it for positivity. Don’t waste time on people who mean fuck all and can never take what's yours anyway. Don’t exert immense energy on people who don’t even know you exist.

Cut the serpent off at the head. Look forward, see what’s real and valuable then focus on it. If you’re in a relationship that blows your mind, it’s because you deserve to be there, you’ve earned it. Don’t let the past steal a single minute of it.

Take off your shoes, settle in and enjoy the moment you’re in, not the ones you think are coming.

It’s my goal from this day onwards to never look back and leave my past at the door.

Celebrate them.



Lots of us have had that thought at the end of a relationship that their partner will never be as happy without them as they were with them, especially if they're the ones who don't want the relationship to end. But as we all know, that's usually not the case. People move on and find happiness elsewhere. Plus that happiness you think they had with you, might be colored a little brighter than the happiness they remember.

One of the biggest blows you'll have besides the initial break up is when you realize they are happy without you. That they're living their life and not trapped in the same cloud of misery you're in. It hurts, because it doesn't line up with what you thought to be true and you make it about you. You think their new found joy is somehow a reflection on you and it makes you feel even worse. That people are just better without you.

But that's usually not the case. You're self worth needs to be independent from any relationship you have. The fact is, you may have had a great relationship until you didn't. When it broke down and you both couldn't figure out a way to get back to that good place, then you split. Of course, when someone loses someone they once loved and that person is now a source of huge pain, there will be a transition period afterwards and the chance of them finding another new shiny person who'll flood them with warm feelings is high.

When it happens to your ex, celebrate it. You won't want to. You'll want to do just the opposite. But celebrate it instead. Because someone you love is doing well. We shouldn't need to be in a "relationship", with them in order for us to recognize that is a good thing. It doesn't even have to be another relationship they find, it could be anything that fulfills them and brings them a smile. 

Celebrate it.

Because when you do, you'll find their state of being says nothing about yours. Only you are responsible for looking after yourself and a big step in that is letting go of any unnecessary anger that isn't truly justified. Negative emotions can affect our daily existence like we're wearing a ball and chain. Hard to move, hard to live with that weight around us.

Let it go. Remember, you wanted the best for them, to protect them and cherish them. Do that no matter your label to them. Because you might just find that when you celebrate the joy of another, makes it easier for them to be happy for our successes as well. When we support each other, great things can be created.

Let's all create something great together by celebrating each other, always.

Unless they were truly an abusive asshole, then fuck em!

Forgiveness is the only option.



We often carry grudges and wish harm on our enemies.

When we’ve been wronged we only have two possible responses when it comes to those who have hurt us: we can offer forgiveness or we can choose to be bitter.

The thing is bitter people have every right to be angry. Whatever happened to you may have been catastrophic. Someone may have pretended to be someone they aren't, they may have physically or emotionally abused you, or perhaps cut you down with words that they won’t ever be able to take back. Maybe it didn’t seem like a big deal at first but the person who caused you the pain was someone you loved, trusted, and had given privileged access to your world.

There is worse pain than betrayal.

And it’s natural for us to seek revenge. We fight back. We won’t let anything stop us from inflicting pain on those who have dropped the emotional hammer on our soul. It’s the standard playground rule: if you hurt me, I’m going to hurt you. But that rarely gets you anywhere. You may gain a momentary relief but you’re going to eventually have to shoulder the weight of regret.

But what if we took another path? What if revenge wasn’t an option? What if we offered forgiveness to those who have treated us so poorly?

I can see you bowing up at the computer screen as we speak. Take a deep breath and wipe away every preconceived notion you had about that silly little word, forgiveness.

Just because you offer it doesn’t mean you’re denying that the act occurred or that you are diminishing how you felt when it happened. You aren't saying that it’s no big deal. You aren't enabling someone to continue on in the vicious cycle of hurting you. You're not sweeping things under the rug and covering up the crime that was committed against you. You aren't forgetting that it happened- that’s impossible. You're not even asking for reconciliation as it takes a commitment from both sides to kiss-and-make up.

But what we are doing is this: when you offer forgiveness, you’re removing the control that someone else has over you . As long as someone remains unforgiven, you’re granting them the right to loom large in your life by allowing him or her to maintain an emotional presence in your world. When you grant them release, you’re freeing yourself from them. While you’re carrying around this burden, you’re ensnared and in chains (and not the good kind).

It’s not an easy process. It could take an immeasurable amount of time to release someone from the wrong they have done to you. But you'll benefit in the end and your load will be a tad bit lighter.

"If we don't pursue forgiveness, the same wounds by which we are broken are wounds we will use to break others."
- Erwin McManus

How Beautiful are the People who Appear out of Nowhere.



The most beautiful ones, are the people who appear out of nowhere and without a motive. The ones who just sit next to you and smile. You smile back, and from this simple, kind exchange a real friendship is born.

There were people in my life for whom I fought so hard. To whom I gave and gave, then gave even more. I received back in drops, every now and then just so they would ensure I wouldn't dissappear. There were people from whom I only received excuses, therefore I started associating love with war. The kind of war I would fight until blood would show, if possible. But love is peaceful and it should redress your ballance in this upside world. There are moments when you can't understand this and you fight. Until the very end, hoping to save as many wounded as possible. In the end you realize, the victims are the ones that fought to save themselves.

If you don't feel at home near a person, leave. 
If you don't feel your heart breath easier after a hard day, leave. 
If you don't see your eyes smile more then cry, leave. 
If you feel on a permanent alert in a place you should rest, put your weapons down and leave. 
Be wise and understand when it's time to end a fight. 
Love and friendship are not battlefields where you dress your wounds without cleaning them first.

Love is an oasis of peace you find confort in, after a day of fighting society's dragons. Friendship is a shoulder you lean on, without being afraid of it's grip.

How beautiful are the ones we love who once appeared out of nowhere!

Why Do We Hold On When We Should Let Go?



Why do we hold on to things when we should let go? 
Why do we shoulder the burden ourselves rather than share it. 
Why do we keep the way we feel to ourselves? 
Why is it so hard to say, "I'm not okay." or "That really hurt." 
Why is it so easy to give in when you know you're going to get hurt?

Why is it so hard to be truly naked with our feelings? 
Why can't we be brave, vulnerable, bear our naked souls, to the few people in our lives who deserve it?

We're insecure. 
Every one of us. 
That's why. 
Even when we won't admit it. 
Even when it's painfully obvious. 
If we're completely naked, all our cards on the table, we may be too much; too intense, too extreme and you may get left. 
No one wants to be alone. 
No one wants to lose the good.

So we sacrifice ourselves. 
We cover our wounds. 
We cover our scars. 
We cover our hurt with delusions of "Yea, I'm fine."

The fear of being alone is greater than admitting you're human, so we go on telling the world we're okay and we let it fester until resentment unfolds.

Be brave. 
Be bold. 
Admit you're human.

The result may surprise you.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

You get what you work for, not what you wish for - Santa



There are a million-and-one things on my wish list.
Flipkart knows it. 
Amazon knows it. 
Myntra knows it. 
Snapdeal knows it.
And some are things which can't be purchased but are on wishlist.

It's like a Best Buy exploded on a piece of paper. I've spent a considerable amount of my life wishing for things that I didn't have. It includes any number of things that strike my fancy. There have been things I've wanted, things that I've needed, things that I didn't know I needed until after I'd had a small taste and things I thought I needed but really didn't.

I welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety into my life. Thanks Santa.

Now, don't get me wrong, I've lived a blessed life. I can't tell you that I've always had the things I've wanted but I have never had to go without food on my table or heat in my home. But I've never had those things handed to me. I've always had to work for them. Hang with me for a second before you write this off as some poorly-crafted Republican informercial. The one thing I've realized is that being content pretty much amplifies who you already are.

The reality is that you get what you work for, not simply what you wish for.

As helpful as it would be- there isn't some whimsical elf like figure taking up residence in your home and reporting back to Santa what you want your relationship dynamic to look like. It seems like lately I'm continuing to stumble upon a number of people who are simple casting their cares on a wishing well and hoping things will change without any effort.

If you aren't willing to commit to rolling up your sleeves and getting your hands dirty- you're more- than-likely going to be sorely disappointed at the output of your dynamic. As much as the Fetlandia trolls would like for you to believe, relationships don't happen at the snap of the fingers. You don't demand for her to love and take care of you without navigating through her mind. It takes work. What makes you think she's going to trust you with her body when you can't take a minute to check on her throughout the day?

You want to show you care for her? 
Take time to run your fingers through her hair.

You want her to do your desires? 
Take time to prove you won't ruin her.

You want her to serve you? 
Take time to serve her first.

You want her to trust you explicitly without question? 
Take time to prove that you'll be there when things get rough.

You want to give you her soul? 
Take time to fucking work for it.

It takes less than five seconds to send a thinking about you text in the morning. You aren't less of a man for bringing her a cup of coffee when she wakes up in the morning (and if you think you are, let me know how she takes her coffee, and I'll bring it to her in my bed). Hold her hand and let her know she's safe. When she's had a bad day, listen to her vent before offering up solutions. If you promise that you're always going to be there, don't flake when she needs you.

Relationships of all kinds take an indescribable amount of work. But  in between, it requires a significant amount of additional effort to build trust. If you aren't willing to put forth the effort necessary to establish such an accord, you're only going to wind-up hurting them in the end. Quit wishing for a better dynamic. Put in the work and reap the rewards.

Abuse is not glamorous or cool.  It is never OK, under any circumstances. She wants to feel safe, respected and cared for by a man she can trust.

There are no shades of grey here. Not even one.

Let Your Heart Do The Thinking.



We are accustomed to chase after things we want. To question everything. We nurture our soul with fears that do nothing but feed the pessimism over and over again. We've taken evil by the arm and walk around with it as if best friends. I wonder when we transformed ourselves in robots that are led by too much rational and too little heart.

Unfortunately, love has become a taboo subject. We find love at every corner. We love shoes, they love cars. We think we love everything, when in fact, we love nothing. We are willing to give up in one night all we have accumulated in a lifetime, all for love. To give up principles that define us, to tie our arms to people that at best give us safety and maybe confort. We are afraid to admit that we love with our mind when, our heart is tamed by chains of ignorance and indifference. We are led by fear. Fear that maybe tomorrow we will starve, be homeless or have a huge fight with our partner and therefore break up. We got here because we question everything, we fear making mistakes, we fear walking a path and being led by feelings. Because fear is easy. Don't take risks and you won't get hurt. We have become accustomed to not wanting to hurt. But love transcends pain if you let it.

I would say we love wrong but, in fact, we dont love anymore. We simulate love. We experiment with feelings. Test people. We live in a superficial way. Our mind in the present, our heart in the past. We don't love because we think too much. Love is put into practice not thought about. Where there is too much fear, there is too little love. Maybe none. When you see someone you like and over think telling them, you already passed love through your mind's filter. You will chose not to every time.

Love knows no fear. 
Not fear of rejection. 
Not fear of defeat. 
Not even fear of suffering. 

Love dances and is always free, even, when the only music is played by busy minds. Love is not an impulse but an organ. A vital one, I would say but not for all. Many of us can live without love, easily so, just as we can live without a kidney. They are lost because they are oblivious. They think too much. When find the time to feel as well? You don't lose anything if you reserve your right to love. In fact, why reserve it? You were born to love.

Don't be afraid to give. 
Don't be afraid to give. 
Don't be afraid to take.

Love with your heart, your mind is too busy already discussing ideas, to bother with love as well.

It's so easy to be happy. Why are we so afraid?

There is no spoon.



There's a part in the matrix movie in which Neo goes to see the Oracle and there's a child who is in the room bending spoons with just his mind. When Neo inquires about how that is possible, the kid says he can bend the spoon, because there is no spoon.

The matrix is a construct and not a reality, so anything in it doesn't really exist, so neither does the physics that would normally rule over our existence.

It's funny how in life we give a false sense of reality and power to things that don't exist. We often submit to the fears of what we think to be true or what we believe might come about and not pay enough attention to the reality of our situations. We are slaves to our filtered and biased perceptions and they are just that, a perceived version of our reality, not reality itself. Dont lose yourself worrying about something that doesn't even exist.

Remember, there is no spoon.

Often time the things that trouble us the most reside more in our heads more than they do in our lives.

As they say, there is nothing to fear except fear itself. Because most of the time what you are afraid of is the unknown. Don't fear something that's not based on anything tangible, when in reality it's based on your own personal fears. You can overcome a fear that's based on nothing more than an emotional thought, by realizing that's all it is.

That's because there is no spoon.

Worry less about what might be or what you think is going to transpire and simply focus on the reality before you, in the moment you find yourself in. 

Be mindful of the future, but don't ever be fearful of it. Ever.
Because there is nothing to fear except fear itself and you have as much power over that fear you hide from as you want, because that fear is a construct and there is no spoon.

When He WANTS You. And When He NEEDS You.



There is a difference, 
Between a man that wants you, 
And a man that needs you. 
Yes. 
Oh yes. 
There is a difference, 
My love.

A man that wants you 
He sees something he craves. 
He salivates.
He watches. 
Ready to make his move, 
And he waits for his moment.

A man that needs you 
He sees a woman he deserves. 
He learns her. 
He looks into her eyes. 
And he does not hesitate, 
He makes his moment.

A man that wants you 
Will worship your body, 
Maybe the things that you say. 
He pleasures you, 
With the parts of himself he is willing to share. 
And he asks for little in return.

A man that needs you 
He will worship your body, 
And soul. 
And mind. 
And heart. 
He will possess you. 
And he will please you with everything he has. 
He demands all of you in return.

There is a difference. 
When a man wants you? 
He’s renting.
When a man needs you? 
He will own you.

Friday, August 14, 2015

Life Lessons!




Here's some random 'nuggets of pointless' that I've picked up in my 20 - something years.

Attractiveness

Women, generally speaking, think themselves less attractive than you think they are. This means, as a guy, you're sitting at the bar wanting to go over and talk to her, but you think she's too good looking for you, so you talk about football with your buddy instead. Meanwhile, she's over there wondering why no one is talking to her, and becoming convinced that she must look weird. Or her boobs aren't the 'right' size. Or her elbows are funny looking.

Lesson: It's a wonder we manage to breed as a species at all.

Sex

Most women like sex. Don't argue with her if she wants it. And for fucks sake - don't over think that shit. Give her what she wants. 

Lesson: Trust me, the world will be a better place.

Glasses

Women look better in glasses than men do. Almost without exception. And it's fucking annoying. 

Lesson: If you need glasses, be female.

Problems and Solutions

The world is made up of two types of people. Around 90% of us are the type that sees the problem, and tells you about it. While 10% of us are the type that sees the problem and suggests 3 solutions. The later type are typically your CEO's, bazillionaires, entrepreneurs, and general get-shit-done-bad-ass-bitches.

Lesson: Try not to be in the 90% . Even if you never quite get out of the herd, at least by trying you'll be a little less annoying to us 10%ers.

Dicks

Having a penis is excellent. Interestingly, in many cultures, simply having a penis affords you some additional benefits beyond simply being able to stick it into people. Or things. Some of these benefits are subtle, and some are utterly outrageous.

Lesson: If you have a dick, don't BE a dick. You've got it pretty good.

But here's the something I haven't figured out yet

Why - in my fucking twenties, can I still not spell 'necessary' without autocorrect helping me out?

The Fuck?

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Keep Calm. It's Just a Movie. And You Should Watch It.

Source : Google.com

Hello everyone.

Go see the "Fifty Shades of Grey" movie.

Yes, it's a crap book, and we know the film won't portray BDSM in a realistic light (but it may do) Everyone I know has a different take on what is "the right way" to do fetish, and this film is just another version.

But Support the film.

"WTF?" you asked.

This that moment where you say, "But man, the story is crap, the grammar is crap, the metaphors are crap, the author's English would not have passed high school testing, it's a terrible representation of BDSM community, why in God's name are you advocating the movie?"

Here's why :

While I agree with every detractor regarding the books and the abusive nature of the story, the TRUTH IS - love it or hate it - that this book and this story have brought a MUCH WIDER ACCEPTANCE of BDSM IN GENERAL.

Over 100 Million copies of the books have been SOLD, and that number does not even include illegal downloads of the book, people lending the book, and the Waiting Lists at local libraries of people who want to read the book.

To give you some perspective, if we consider only people over the age of 18, that means about ONE IN EVERY 40 LITERATE ADULTS ON EARTH HAS OBTAINED THIS BOOK.
(Find my mathematical expression at the end of the blog.)

What this means is that, that "secret subject", that "taboo topic" of BDSM and D/s relationship is now FIRMLY OUT OF THE CLOSET ON A GLOBAL SCALE.

Does this mean that all these newcomers are getting a Good, Positive Idea of what BDSM is About?

Hell No.

50 Shades of Grey – the book and what we’ve seen so far of the film – is an inaccurate depiction of a BDSM relationship.

I don't know if you know that the BDSM community is entirely centred around the concept of consent. Consent is the very cornerstone of BDSM play. Those in the real-life BDSM community never indulge in kinky play without the consent of another. There can be no coercion or begging involved; it must be a consensual exchange of sexual and physical energy.

Throughout any BDSM scene, from the very beginning to the very end, consent must be positively and consistently given – and yet, many of the scenes in 50 Shades appear to happen without the consent of Anastasia, the submissive. Without consent, there can be no BDSM play.

Without consent, it is abuse.

It seems that even the author, E.L. James, misunderstands what a real BDSM community is like. Her “hunk”, Christian Grey, is a character that engages in sado-masochistic behaviour because he suffered through an abusive childhood, and at the end of the book, he is “cured” of his deviances and goes on to marry his partner, have children and live a vanilla life.

This is painfully wrong in two major ways. First, the implication that S&M is an outlet for a person’s inner demons because they are “damaged” degrades the many, many people who enjoy kink in a sane, safe way. Second, the implication that a victim of domestic abuse can eventually change the behaviour of his or her abuser is an incredibly troubling message to send out. Love, unfortunately, does not save all.

The very fact that you’re reading this blog also helps to maintain a healthy conversation around sexuality and the concepts of both Risk Aware Consensual Kink and “safe, sane and consensual”, two standards to which most in the BDSM community adhere. If you do nothing else today, look up those terms and learn a little more about what BDSM really is.

AT LEAST people are now OPEN TO TALKING ABOUT IT.

Supporting this movie means that, if box office ticket sales are good, then Hollywood will "Green Light" the next two books being made into films as well. That means about THREE YEARS during which This Will Be an Open Topic to Discuss.

This is - In Fact - an AMAZING opportunity to Educate the masses in WHY we/you find BDSM and D/s so profoundly Beautiful.

Do not curse the "Darkness of Nonsense" that 50 Shades vomits forth.

Rather, light a single torch - your knowledge of the Real World of Safe, Sane & Consensual BDSM and D/s - and bring your light into the darkness.

For the maths freak out there:

Average maximum age = 72 (globally)
Subtract 18 and under = 25%.
Seven Billion People on Earth x .75 = 5,250,000,000.
According to UNESCO there are approximately 1 Billion Non-Literate adults in the world = 4,250,000,000 Adult Readers.
Divide that by 100 Million Book Sales = 42.5.
And that does not include illegal downloads - the book started as an ebook and a search for "Fifty Shades Free Download" yields 9,850,000 pages on Google.
Add borrowing and sharing the book as well as libraries etc, and 1 out of every 42.5 is actually figuring too high.
So if we add in 5 Million non- purchased views conservatively, it's actually more like 1 out of every 40 people have read/obtained this book.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Your Soul For A Kiss!



Source : Google.com

Staring intently into her eyes feeling the power of the draw of that first kiss, he slowly break away and move closer to her ear with his lips. “I am going to take your soul”, he whispered. Feeling his breath on her neck as a tingle ran down her spine, she replied “How can you do that?” His response was, “Simply with a kiss.” She stood there looking at him in total disbelief knowing it was true and wanting it to happen. But in an act of bold defiance she said, “You cannot do that, that is impossible” and laughed.

"Once we kiss I will draw you in and you will have no choice to but to accept."

"But how do you even know where my soul lives?"

"Oh, I know where it lives, I have been there before, it lives in the delicate space behind your heart and my kiss will call its name."

With that simple but truthful statement a gust of wind came out of the sky and encircled them in its arms. Together they stood there catching their breath; she staggered a little and fell into his chest. He grabbed her and pulled her close when she whispered in his ear, “Take what you want, as it’s already been yours for years.”

With that said they started to kiss. Painfully slow the pull of attraction being drawn together without turning back but she teased him and pulled away with a smile and a little laugh. Then he placed one hand gently on her face the other in her hair, their lips drew together like magnets and hearts pounding together as one. Their slightly parted lips touching and opening to feel the full wetness of mouths as weakness and desire came over them, she could feel him growing against her hip. But they agreed nothing more would happen, other than this kiss.

Lips locked together perfectly, tongues moving in unison, exploring and finding bliss. A wave of dizziness came over her and she let out a tiny moan which made him kiss her even harder. Breaking away she took her tongue and traced his lips imparting a gentle kiss and playfully biting his lower lip. Returning to fully embracing his mouth they kissed for hours that day, loving every sound and every touch.

Feeling the high, the joy and the desire they looked around to make sure they were still alone, still drawn by the energy that bound them together. Safely resting in his arms, looking into his eyes, he whispered, “How does it feel to have traded your soul for a kiss?”

Monday, September 8, 2014

Letting Go - A Story


Source : Google.com

He walked past her again. It almost felt like he was walking through her. She cried out to him, begged him to stop, but this was going to be another day of the silent treatment.

He slammed the door and headed to work. She stood at the window, watching him back away down the driveway in his new truck. He refused to talk to her about the purchase; he just showed up one day several weeks ago, the dealer sticker still in the window.

He hadn't spoken to her in over a month.

She looked out at the neighbourhood. It had gotten to be fall without her even realizing that the weather had cooled. Leaves gathered in silent blankets, warming the earth.

She felt a chill, and went back to bed.

She'd been sleeping more, lately. It was unusual for her, but she'd somehow slipped into a deeper darkness than she'd ever experienced. She'd been depressed before, but this was different; black days didn't begin to describe it. She'd sleep, she'd awaken. He'd ignore her as they watched television, when she actually joined him downstairs.

Most nights, he'd fall asleep on the couch, a highball glass with remnants of an ice cube giving testimony to how he'd spent another one of his evenings. The empty Whiskey bottles were lined up in a windowsill.

The ghostly green was absurdly beautiful in the setting sun.

One night, seized with a frustration that words wouldn't cure, she grabbed one of those empties and flung it at the wall.

Finally, he looked in her direction, eyes bleary, a gasp on his lips and a trembling tumbler in his hand.

A Rorschach of whiskey stains colored the off white sheetrock. Little divots formed where the bottle struck and shattered; verdant shards rained to the hardwood. A glass garden bloomed on the kitchen floor.

She didn't speak, but wailed tears of sorrow, anger, and sadness.

She was angry at mourning the loss of them; she was angrier at his apparent lack of concern for their love slipping away.

He just looked at that Rorschach on the wall. A study of himself, painted in single malt.

She went back upstairs, crying herself to sleep.

Winter came, and nothing improved between them. He started missing work some days, and those bottles began to line the floor beneath the window.

She refused to clean up after him.

She sat down in the chair opposite the couch one day when he slept past his alarm. She reached out to turn off the television, but it smoked and smouldered under her fingertips, and it died on its own. She snatched her hand back, expecting a shock, but she felt nothing. Where it had been blasting on about some winter storm on the Weather Channel, now there was only silence and the smell of ozone.

She just sighed.

One more thing gone wrong.

She tried to wake him, but he wouldn't stir.

She couldn't remember the last time he'd slept in the bed with her. His only trips upstairs were to dress, and even those stopped when he moved everything he needed into the guestroom.

She was a heavy sleeper, and the depression she'd slunk into forced her to stay in bed most days.

"We need help." She said, hoping he'd engage her.

He just rolled over, curled away from her, shivered, and continued to sleep on the couch.

"I'm going to leave if we don't try to fix this."

Nothing. He reached for his blanket on the back of the couch, still sleeping.

She knew it was a lie. Despite all this darkness, she loved him still.

Time was a slippery thing to her in her depressions.

When the snow began to melt, the man from the bank came. She refused to open the door, but looked out the peephole at him. He left an orange flyer above the knocker.

She went back to sleep, and the tears took away the worry.

She awakened to the ear-splitting noise of reversing alarms on a truck.

A U-Haul sat in the front yard, but she was too tired, too sad, to care anymore.

She slept again.

When she awakened, everything in the house outside of her bedroom was gone. Echoes greeted her creaking steps down the stairs, and she cried out in fear, in shock, and in such incredible, aching remorse that she felt her heart shatter just as a windowpane above the kitchen sink did.

He'd left her bedroom, and moved out around her.

She collapsed in the living room in a heap, wails filling the air and blackness colouring her world.

She felt like she was being torn apart.

Sleep disappeared, and dreams were replaced with the sound of Latin being spoken downstairs.

Latin?

It echoed throughout the emptiness of the house below her. Inside, she ached.

Physical pain tore through her, and she screamed, despite trying to listen.

The Latin stopped, and the clinching in her gut relaxed.

She stumbled to the stairway, and looked down into the living room.

Strangers gathered, surrounding a priest.

He looked at her.

At her. He smiled.

It was the first real contact she'd had since...

And memory flooded her.

Images of she and her husband.

He was driving, she was holding his hand.

They were just going to the store; a beautifully mundane ritual.

He said something and she laughed.

And then it happened.

The priest spoke to her.

"Hello, Mukti."

She didn't reply.

"These are the Birlas. They own this house now. They asked me to bless it before they move your bedroom out, and they move their family in."

"Mine," she managed to croak, tears flowing.

She noticed the couple cringe, and the man, Mr.Birla presumed, shivered. They were young; they reminded of her of how she and her husband looked back when.

"GET OUT!" she managed to yell, voice cracking through tears.

The young woman began to cry.

The priest just continued to smile, and he took a step closer.

"Mukti. You need to go Home. You need to let go of this place."

The Latin resumed, and the last thing she heard:

"Go with God, Mukti."

"Amen."

And she let go.

The house disappeared from around her, and sadness was a distant whisper.

A tractor trailer blew through the red light.

It hit the passenger side of the car at somewhere around fifty miles an hour.

As the noise died away, so did she.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Love So True (Poetry)


After we will die, I will meet you again in the sky.


Hello my old friend,
Lets rewind our love so true.
The moments we shared in the past,
A never changing view.


Days go by months, turn into years,
I am living with constant sorrow and overwhelming fears.
Suffocation starts as the air gets heavy,
Crying and in constant sorrow screaming "I want my baby!"


But you're no where to be found,
Then your whatsapp shows online and my world slows down.
When we touch I have emotions and feelings unexpressed,
Making me happy making my obstacles in life rest.


These last few years have captivated my life,
Growing old with you and thinking about you as my wife.
I have now found my reason for living and a love come true,
Knowing that nothing in this world will ever rank above you.


I look to the night sky at the stars and moon,
Hoping you see the beauty I see and we will gaze together soon.
Wishing you were here to caress and to hold,
Hoping to make your every wish and dream unfold.


I am guaranteeing you total allegiance and fidelity,
Along with forever warm and embracing arms of security.
We make magic and passion of romance with ease,
I am saying it over and again baby please please please.



Give me a life of happiness and loyalty,
Grow old and make a family with me.
Giving them the tools to happiness like ours,
While keeping our love so it never sours.



I'm never going to pick up the pieces again,
I'll be lost and won't know where to begin.
Don't ever leave me girl,
I need you in this world.



I get your name inked on my hand and it ain't a sin,
Thinking of you, I get anxious and my head starts to spin.
Waiting to talk to you on the other line,
Hearing your voice and hoping to find.



That you're peaceful and supportive,
And later on in life my goal is for you to be rewarded.
I will be yours for all eternity,
I'll be your powerful Prince of Divinity.



I wanna take time out to tell you.
I appreciate you loving me the way that you do.
Baby I wanted to say thank you,
For A Everlasting Love Come True.







This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.


Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Secret Sorrows - He Taught Us A Truth


Credits : Twitter.com

People die of depression all the time. We don’t call it what it is, we call it suicide, but what it really is the terminal stage of depression. Now, not everyone with depression gets to this stage. But for a lot of people who are long term depressives, there’s always that fear.

Then someone SO big, and famous, and FUNNY goes and dies this way. It’s very scary. People don’t understand at ALL. “He had everything! Wealth, fame, the love of family and friends and the admiration of millions of fans! WHY?”

Well, I don’t know about him, but I know about me. I don’t have the wealth and fame, but I’m considered to be kind of funny by people who know me. I don’t look or act depressed. I smile a lot, laugh, and so on. But still there have been times in my life where I have had that passing thought: everyone would be better off if I was gone, and then I’d no longer be a bother to them. Maybe he heard something like that. It can be a very compelling thought, believe it or not.

The love I have for my closed ones has kept me from listening, has allowed me to know that idea is a lie. But when something so glaringly public happens, it reminds me and it scares the hell out of me. I work SO HARD to try to do everything I can to keep level. Most of the time, I’m just fine, I’m really well controlled.

I’ll draw a parallel here. When someone has diabetes, they can do everything right, take their medicine, eat right and exercise, and do all the things that are supposed to keep their condition under control. Then one day, they have a serious blood sugar spike or severe attack of hypoglycemia. That is what THIS is like.

You can have these “small” relapses, a few weeks out of years of good control. But for someone with depression, these relapses can be fatal. So any time one happens, it can be very frightening. Admitting it to anyone is even worrisome, because depression is so misunderstood.

If you know someone with depression, they may be quite upset by the death of Robin Williams. If you love that person, reach out to them, and if they are afraid, comfort them. You don’t have to understand, just be present.

P.S. If you're reading this, reach out to people you know who are in this stage of depression.  If we are not ashamed to have heart disease, why should mental illness still carry a stigma here in the 21st century? It discourages people from seeking appropriate treatment.

And if you're one like me, let me tell you brother, the people around you will never be the same if you're gone from this world. Suicide is a permanent solution to a usually temporary problem.

It just occurred to me that out of all the comedians Robin is the one I most relate to. I look at his comedy and his acting as two different things that he did but each come from the same place. God bless him for fighting as long as he did and giving us so much of himself over the years.

Battling depression can easily go unnoticed sometimes and we end up failing the people who need us the most by abandoning them at their time of need.

The only problem with depression is the only people who understand it are the ones who HAVE it. We support society, we need to support people.

For all of you reading this who have depression - you are NOT ALONE. Just reach out and one of the many of us here will make a connection with you. Live second by second, minute by minute if you have to. Big hugs to you.

"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone." - Robin Williams

Rest in Power Robin Williams
 

Thursday, July 31, 2014

For When You Think Nobody Will Love You - Real Time Story of A Girl

 
Credit : Google.com

This story resonated with real life. This is something I seen someone went through. Loving yourself is a process, you will have good days and you will have bad days, days where you are proud of who you are and days when you are less than your best. And those people who seem to have everything together fall apart once in a while. We are all doing the best we can and that's all anyone can ask for.


When we want to entrap others in our web of love, we trap ourselves. Our own desire begins to be more important than our partners' desires, and we develop desperate attachments. And when such attachment is broken, it hurts and the process of healing isn't that easy that it is written in the books.
 

You can never quite remember the actual moments when someone says that they love you for the first time. You wait for it so long, practice how you will respond, prevent yourself from saying it before them (you wouldn’t want to look desperate), and then it happens, and it’s like you go temporarily deaf. There is a ringing, like a TV show that has cut off to go to an emergency announcement. This is an emergency announcement. And you can’t even hear it. It’s almost like your brain doesn’t want to process these words, because then you’d have to acknowledge them, and not just in your imagination.


Besides, everyone who has ever said that to you before has left, so you might as well not even listen.“I love you” will mean nights staying up while you text each other all the night, wondering why they haven’t left you already, wondering when they will.  It means having to take the risk that, as has happened so many times before, you will be disappointed. You will be proven wrong. You will live the reality of that fear you always have, the fear where they wake up one day and look in the mirror and say “What was I doing here? I could do so, so much better than this." And in some cases, it also means having to be naked with them with the lights all the way up, stinging every dimpled plane of your body with unforgiving clarity.

 
Credit : Google.com
 
So you have chosen aloneness. You have chosen the security and the relative freedom of solitude, because there is no risk involved. You can stay up every night and watch your TV shows and eat ice cream out of the box and scroll through your Facebook and never let your brain sit still, not even for a moment. You can fill your days up with books and coffees and trips to the store where you forget what you wanted the second you walk in the automatic sliding door. You can do so many little, pointless things throughout the day that all you can think of is how badly you want to sleep, how heavy your whole body is, how much your feet hurt. You can wear yourself out again and again on the pavement, and you do, and it feels good.


Sometimes, you think that no one has ever loved you. You have almost flippantly doubted it, even when someone was saying it to you. Even if they are saying it to you today. Because, though you wouldn’t like to admit it, you’re not terribly sure that you love yourself. You reject all of the simpering notions in beauty magazines and you learn to say nice things about yourself when you look in the mirror. If someone asked, you could provide an objective list of your qualities. But you’re not sure that “loving yourself” is something you ever really learned how to do. Sometimes, you wonder if everyone is faking it, even the people who seem to have it all down to a science.


Because you’ve never looked at yourself and felt blown away by the privilege of being in your own body, of having your own mind, of living your own life. You’ve never felt that thrilling infatuation, that deep connection. Not about yourself. And maybe someone else did, but every time they told you that they loved you, it was as though the words had gone through several translating programs before they came back to your ears. You kind of knew what they were trying to say, but it was an expression whose meaning you didn’t really recognize. They said, “I love you,” and you said “You too.”


 
Credit : Google.com
 
You think that no one ever will, because how could they? No one will ever bridge that gap and point to your stomach or your hair or your eyes in the mirror and magically make you see the wonderful things about getting to be next to you. And maybe that’s it, after all, this fear that no one will ever truly feel about you the way you want to be felt about. Maybe what you want is someone to make you love yourself, to put sense into all that positive rhetoric, to make it so the aloneness of TV and blasting music in your ears at all times isn’t the most happy place you can think of. Maybe you want someone who makes you so sure of how wonderful things are that you cannot help but to tell them your feelings first.
Because you will know that, when you’re telling them you love them, what you’re really saying is “I love who I become when I am with you.”